Can Finals Be Over Please?

December 1, 2005 11:05 pm - By: Jamie

Once again it is finals week. You would think after going through this nine times before that I would be used to it already. I guess not, I still get stressed and feel like I don't have enough time to get all the studying done. In the next day I have to write a 9 page paper, then I need to focus on studying for my three biology finals. Finals week came fast this year because there was only a week between Thanksgiving and finals.

Speaking of Thanksgiving it was really great being around so much family. We were missing a couple members of the family but, we still had a good time. Tuesday after my RA meeting, that got over at 10pm, I drove straigt to Fresno and arrived at 5am in the morning. Chris though I was going to drive the Fresno the next day, but I was awake when I was driving to Lake Elsinore after my meeting and decided to keep driving to avoid traffic. When I got to Fresno I was hoping that Chris would have his door unlocked so that I could go and surprise him. But the door happend to be locked and I had to call him and ask him if he could do me a favor and let me in. Chris was excited to see me! Chris had been feeling bad the day before and when I got to Fresno I found him running a fever. Chris continued to run a fever for the majority of the time that I was in Frenso. Right as I was getting ready to head back to school Chris' fever finals decided to go away and not come back.

Christmas will be here soon, but before that Felicia will be turning 18. For her 18th Birthday Felicia is supposed to be jumping out of a plane with Amanda, her best friend. I will be sure to add pictures to the site of her jumping experience. All I can say is she is definately the more daring sister.

Okay usually I don't like adding these types of things to our site but I really enjoy these stories around finals and though other people might enjoy them also:



FLAT TIRE!
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?




DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
From: Christopher R Kawabata
It was the week of finals, and obviously, everyone was stressing. This happened in a big (+300) lecture class, it was some hard science course with one of those real pain-in-the ass professors. Everyone taking this course had been dreading this final from the start. They all knew they had no hope. There was one student in the class who felt confident in the area if he could just take his time and work his way through each problem. So, on the day of the final, he decided he would just take his time on the test.
The exam began, and he slowly paced himself, carefully working out each problem. This was difficult because the professor was one of those guys who would obnoxiously yell to the class how much time they had left every three minutes. He was just one of those guys who needed a smack in the face.
Finally, time was up, and the teacher told the class to stop, and to bring their test papers down to his desk. With over three-hundred people, this procedure took quite a while. That one student just continued working on his test. Eventually, ten extra minutes turned into twenty, until the student was there for almost an hour after the exam had ended. He looked at his paper, and decided he had completed the test to his satisfaction, and he could now hand it in. He gathered his things and walked down to the teacherís desk.
The professor was sitting at the desk, the tests were still sitting on the desk in a neatly stacked pile, and it was clear he had just been waiting for this student to finish so that he could tell him that he had failed. The student reached his professors desk with a big smile on his face. The professor said to him, "This test was due an hour ago. By handing it in now it is considered late, and consequently, you fail."
The student looked right at the professor and said to him "Do you know who I am?"
The professor clearly upset by his student's response said "What are you talking about?"
Again the student said, "Do you know who I am?" The professor responded by saying no, of course not... Just as he said this, the student lifted up half of the test papers still sitting on the teacherís desk. He casually slipped his test on the pile, and let the rest of the tests fall naturally back onto the stack. He looked at his professor and said "I didn't think so."




JUST BE THANKFUL THESE ARE NOT YOUR FINALS
College finals from Hell
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time Limit: 4 hours.
HISTORY
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
MEDICINE
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
PUBLIC SPEAKING
Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
BIOLOGY
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
MUSIC
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
PSYCHOLOGY
Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
SOCIOLOGY
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
MANAGEMENT SCIENCE
Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.
ENGINEERING
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
ECONOMICS
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
POLITICAL SCIENCE
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
PHYSICS
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
PHILOSOPHY
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
*** EXTRA CREDIT ***
Define the universe; give three examples.






PROFESSOR'S DEFINITIONS OF A KISS
Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.





'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE FINALS
'Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last-minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would loosen their thinking
In my own room,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his book,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy;
My eyes went a blur,
And I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades earned in school.
When all of a sudden
Our door opened wide
And Patron Saint "Put-It-Off"
Ambled inside.
His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
But summoning effort
He started to bellow:
"What kind of student
Would make such a fuss
To toss back at teachers
What they toss at us?
On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last-Minute Crams!"
His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night:
"Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do our best...
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."




The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, and then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and Pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is Not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"


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